Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Sexism and Cliques

I should write daily a few notes about my experiences in nursing school. Goal for next semester, as I have three left. I have to be honest that with two weeks left of school I don't feel motivated. I am losing interest and feel like I'm not learning anything new. Is it because I already completed one semester of nursing school three years ago?

Perry seems to be getting away with being a slacker and I've distanced myself from him. I do not talk to him much. He's never in class anyway but if he is, I do not get into any discussions. I do not pass notes anymore. I'm not helping him or encouraging him. He's so bloody selfish. Yesterday and Friday he got help with surgical asepsis and I feel that because he's a guy he is being handled with kid gloves. It might just be me but I've seen sexism in college many times before. Guys in a nursing program are few and the school must want to do everything possible to keep the ones in the program there. It shouldn't bother me but it does a bit. I think that if the school wants to let someone like him get through the program it just makes me want to get through it and be less likely to support the school after I graduate. I will have less respect for the program.

Cliques still abound. It's amazing how many people do not know each other because they sit in the same seats and only associate with those in clinical. I feel I straddle groups or know a lot of people in the class but I am still bothered that I don't have a secure study group.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Sex and Stress

Too much stress.

Not enough sex.

Problems with nursing school. I had to laugh today when I told a classmate it had been almost a year since I have had sex. She told me she thought she'd never meet anyone while in this program and has been seeing someone for a few months.

She replied, "It was the same way for me and now he's getting wrecked."

Saturday, April 5, 2008

I don't need to put up with this crap from someone who identifies himself as my friend

So I am trying to make friends at school because how can you possibly make it through nursing school without study groups and people to confide in and rely on for the stress of it all?

So I helped Perry over spring break on an "errand" to pick up his stepdaughter from his mother-in-laws house. He was nervous about it and when I picked up seemed really unsettled. We went for a few drinks. Had fun and good conversation. He stepped over the line by putting his hand up my skirt almost to my knee and pinching my nipple at one point but I didn't say anything and really just laughed it off. He never thanked me for helping him out/going out of my way to drive him there and spending my time. He just emailed to say, "I had a really good time today."

He called me this past Saturday to see if I was going to practice PO Meds and of course I was going to be there. He proceeded to tell me that he thought that people noticed our friendship/association and he really seemed to correlate that with his clinical warning. Then he related a story about someone who he worked with who testified against a supervisor. He maintained a friendship with this girl because he liked her but he said the supervisor make it "two years of hell." I thought that by telling me that story, he was telling me that he'd be my friend no matter what anyone thought.

I did not sit near him on Monday because I didn't want to enable him anymore. He wasn't in class on Wednesday (no surprise, he probably had important errands to do). On Friday, I sat next to him and immediately he wanted to start writing notes. On Thursday, we had exchanged a few emails and I thought it would be okay.

I wrote: Just keep it on the DL so that 1. classmates and 2. instructors don't flip out.

He said: They would. (nincompoops)

I wrote: People notice and frown on our notes/ losers and busy bodies
He wrote: Phuck everyone that judges us. Not spending my life worrying about what little children perceive me to be. Rob is cool.

Me: Right but I got annoyed with you last week. It was as if you: 1. either blamed me for your clinical warning d/t association or 2. were saying f- it what people think, we'll still be friends (w/ example of the chick you were friends with you testified agst the supervisor)

Perry: I'm a bit taken back. How do you arrive at all these inferences? If there was any underlying subtle message in my ranting last week it was one of identification. I think maybe, when thinking retrospectively, I was wanting you to get riled up against the ridiculous profs (a couple of them) because I tend to be one that tries to incite riot. I feel as if there are people that have power and they abuse it and I hate that sort of injustness. So any think you think I was attacking you or blaming of anything else like that you were way off base!

Okay, asshole asshole asshole. I am so annoyed. I get so screwed over by guys that I am friends with or that are in my life in any way. I cannot trust them or be friends with them any more.

me: You said these things on the phone and I was insulted and should have said something then but it didn't hit me until I got off the phone. You also said people see us sitting together and writing notes etc and that is their problem as to what they think or judge based on that. It seemed you correlated your friendship with me with the "hell" two years at the place with the girl who spoke out agst the supervisor. The teachers, esp. Forgacs do development and opinion about someone and stay with that forever. Egan does not. She told me I was confrontational and I was nearly sick and didn't want to start clinical with her but she has a clean slate and does not shut me down like Forgacs does ("do as I say, not as I do.")

Perry: Anything I said regarding our association in class and how the profs perceive it was not meant the way you took it. Here is how you make that false perception: I was angry at THEM and resentful. YOU picked up on that anger and knee-jerk assumed a position of guilt (or something) akin. The anger was at them. I was sharing with you not indirectly meaning something else. Anyway. The part about inciting riot means that when I see injustice I will start a whisper campaign so that the crowd becomes aware of the tin horn dictator's tactics. Not a literal riot.

He started to read my response, shook his head and handed it back to me with a smirk on his face.

So you still blame me because I misunderstood you. Okay, interesting. The thing is you are very Perry-centric and ask me to help you but then I can't call you or study with you and it's then a one-sided friendship. And we had a great conversation at Robert's bar and do online as well. I don't want school stuff to get in the way. I know you were nervous when we got Rachel but did you thank me or show any appreciation that I spent time with that and drove etc.?

Why I'm unhappy right now

I'm tired and every night when I go to sleep I have massive panic attacks where I just want to jump up and out and get away from them.

Certain teachers (and one in particular) really bother me. The one that I really have an issue with teachers about 70% of the classes as well. And she is the one I am to go to when I want to look over an exam. I don't even want to do that any mroe because I feel like she is scrutinizing me and just boring a hole in me with her distate for me. When I asked a question in class the other day, she just stared at me. At least I'm making an effort to participate.

She began the class by saying, "Did everyone read? What did you learn about teaching and learning in the reading?" How annoying! We were told so many times that we are adult learners and theere are special ways for each of us to learn. She admonished a student for taking notes on something because "it's in the book."

"Why are you writing this down? You should know this from the reading," she barked.

The student responded, "For reinforcement."

Some people put little effort into school and appear apathetic and still pass. But I know I should not let it bother me. It's about me and my experience and what I need to do to get through the program.

I'm going to be 39 in August and I'm single and lonely and still hooking up with random guys because I want sex. It would be nice to have someone consistent.

I'm 40%/60% sure that I even want to do this or feel I CAN do this without having a nervous breakdown. But what the fuck else am I going to do?

I cry and cry and cry all the time.

Full-time nursing program means full-time

When the instructors tell us during orientation that it is a full-time day program, they literally mean full-time. It's a 40 hour week. A job. Between class, reading, studying, labs, clinical and clinical prep time you put in full days. But the teachers seem to relish it that people should only be reading their nursing texts and never relaxing with a book that is not nursing related or watching a film or a television program.

There's also the assumption that we all have enough money to live (in Boston!) without working.

I love this too.

A classmate said to me: I have so much stuff to do all the freakin' time. I remember when I uesed to have so much time for myself.

I replied: Why has it changed? You mean before school started or before you had a child/wife?

He said: Both. It's been a progressive thing.

Oh REALLY. and yes, I'm rolling my eyes right now.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Halfway done

Midterm grade: 92; the class average was an 86-- so I'm above average again but I don't care all that much about my grades as long as I have at least a B. That's fine. It's more important to get the clinical done right and well. And then pass the NCLEX.